Realizing loss is like the ocean. Some days, the foamy salt water barely creeps up over your toes to let you know it’s there. Other days, gigantic waves crash down over you, leaving you drenched with water streaming down your cheeks.
Today’s wave is the accident… the accident where, only a few miles from home, my mother’s mother swerved to avoid a drunk driver and slammed into a tree. My family’s lives were changed forever that day… my life changed and I wasn’t even born yet.
I see red when I think of the man who drank too much & got behind the wheel of a car. I know he didn’t set out to hurt my Meme. What was hurt that day was more than just the body of the woman who was the glue of my family. Shock radiated from the gaping holes left in the hearts of those who loved her. It still does.
The wreck left my grandmother in a condition that robbed her of living a full life. She couldn’t walk, talk, feed herself… I could go on and on with things that she was robbed of… being able to come to the hospital when the rest of her grandbabies were born, playing tag in the yard with us, dying Easter eggs with us in the kitchen, teaching us how to play softball (she had been a softball coach to my mom & her siblings prior to the accident), stand at the stove in the kitchen & sing “In the Garden,” as I’ve heard my mother describe her doing…
In random moments, I am aware of what losses my family has suffered because of the accident. I realize that my own mother might not have spent the past 26 years of her life trying to fill this gaping hole with temporary numbing agents that leave her empty and searching for more. I realize that I might have had the blessing of two completely amazing grandmothers. I realize that my memories of Meme would be a lot sweeter, instead of her being confined to a bed, in the shell of a body that wouldn’t work like she wanted it to.
Crimson fills my insides, as the gaping hole of loss bleeds… it’s all I feel, all I see. My hunger for justice wants that man to suffer and I hear a whisper like a light breeze blowing across a field. “Yes, crimson. My crimson blood was shed on a cross for you, your Meme, AND that man who made selfish decisions that day… Keep seeking My crimson… keep looking for My grace and mercy that I have woven into the small moments for you… you will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart…”