Repainting my picture…

My fiance’ & I are choosing to have a long engagement. We have lots of time to save up for the big day. Unfortunately, a long engagement is a necessary evil. I call it evil, because my Type A personality wants to know the plan NOW… & by NOW, I mean 2 days ago. I want everything to be set in stone, booked, squared away… you get the picture.

Planning can be hectic. Online research alone can be mentally draining… especially since virtually every venue costs $2,000 or more (& that might just be for the building itself, not chairs, tables, etc.), having live music for the ceremony will cost close to $1,000, if not more… and by that point, you haven’t fed anyone, gotten your hair/makeup done, or had pictures taken…

Expense alone leaves me feeling defeated, not to mention processing all of the moments with my mom and moments with my dad that I won’t have during the planning & on the day of the wedding. Since planning is slow-going, so is the emotional processing. Everything feels emotionally chaotic… not really what every little girl dreams of, but something many women experience. As fatherlessness/motherlessness has only continued to increase during my lifetime, I know I am not alone in this. I also recognize that movies play a part in this idealization of weddings & that they heavily influence the daydreams of little girls & grown girls worldwide. I am trying to consider all contributing factors here.

I processed a particular facet of my dream wedding this week… the Father/Daughter dance… insert loud sigh & heartbreak here. I had a nice cry grieving my dream Father/Daughter dance. I’ve imagined sharing that special moment with my dad many times & the loss of that dream becomes more real as each day brings me closer to my wedding day. During this particular bout of daydreaming, I unintentionally envisioned a different dance. I imagined dancing with the men in my life who have steadily loved me & remained involved & interested in my life. My tears were grief. My tears were joy.

As I shared this with my therapist this week, she said I was painting a new picture of what that day will look like. As an artist, I LOVED this, because I immediately pictured myself painting over my old dream wedding, creating new scenes that I would remember forever.

Creating new scenes for my big day means uncovering what I have always wanted. I may journal about it, writing each detail… vividly, vulnerably. I may paint. I think painting may be more therapeutic, because I would actually be painting over the old with the new. I’m not sure, though… I just know that I have to get it out on a surface of some kind, so it’s not stuck, swirling around in my mind and in my heart.

Mostly, this process is going to hurt… getting it out, facing reality head on…

The process will also get my creative juices flowing, since I will be envisioning a day full of experiences I’ve never played out in my mind before.

I’ll check back in & let you know how it goes 🙂

 

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